Taking the test – not how I had pictured things

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Disclaimer: this is my experience if it makes anyone who has struggled with TTC or infertility angry or upset I’m truly sorry I spent along time feeling f
Guilty for my emotions

I’m sure most of us have thought about having children or not having children depending on preferences, I know I had however there’s lots of things I hadn’t thought about in terms of my relationship and as part of me was trying for a baby another part of me was having a complete mental fit about what I was doing and the person I was choosing to do it with

Don’t get me wrong Sam is great and I wasn’t ever worried about him leaving me, or not wanting to be around for the baby. However this is his longest relationship, he wasn’t someone you would label mr commitment. As time went on i started to wonder if I was doing the right thing and very seriously thought about going back on the pill, in fact I decided if I had another period I probably would do that.

Then I started to feel different physically. I knew I was pregnant before I even took a test and I think Sam did too. I remember sittting on the sofa and him putting a test in front of me. I spent the next few hours avoiding it. I went out on my own to visit a friend in hospital on my way I brought another test and sat in a shopping centre toilet and watched that little life changing line appear.

I sobbed with what can only be described as panic

Not how I pictured that moment at all

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